Bathroom Etiquette: Toilet Seat Up or Down?

I’m mad.  I’m angry. I’m outraged. Why should I have to put the seat down for the opposite sex? At what point was it collectively decided amongst both sexes that after male use of the bathroom, that he would put the toilet seat in the down position? Was there an international conference on this dire issue that resulted in a global toilet seat act? If I were a betting man, which I am, I would have to bet that there is no such act, law, or any kind of written statement regarding the toilet seat drama.

What we are told by the opposite sex is that it’s common “bathroom etiquette” to put the toilet seat down and that we simply need to conform to this so called etiquette. But why? This isn’t about me not having any manners or being able to live peacefully with others. For example, if I’m walking into a building and someone is behind me, I’ll keep the door open, regardless of gender. This is what I call good general etiquette. If I’m eating at the dinner table, I chew with my mouth closed because I’m being considerate of everyone else at the table that would rather not see masticated food in my mouth. Again, this is excellent etiquette with obvious rationale behind it.

But where the hell is the rationale for men having to put the toilet seat down? How is it “good etiquette” for us to do so? Why are we condemned and harassed if we don’t? Why are WE made out to be the villain? You telling us that it’s good etiquette to put the seat down makes just about as much sense as me telling women that it’s good etiquette to put the toilet seat UP for men. Men don’t piss with the toilet seat down so why can’t women be respectful and put the seat up for us? Because you don’t care! So why the hell should we?

Women typically cite one of two reasons for wanting the seat down, and both are quite irrational, but what’s new for the opposite sex?

1) I can fall in the toilet if the toilet seat is up. All I have to say is seriously? Fucking look at the toilet before you sit down and maybe you won’t have that problem. If you were a small child learning how to use the toilet, I can see this argument holding some truth, but for a grown woman to say something like this makes me lose all respect I have for you. When you cross the street do you expect the street to be clear for you to cross? Or do you look both ways first? Yeah, thought so!

2) The toilet looks disgusting with the lid up. Again, are you kidding me? This is the same thing that we shit in. Shit aint pretty princess, so get over it. If you want pretty then go to your closet and look at your shoes and clothes. The bathroom isn’t meant to be an aesthetically pleasing place. Or do you expect the seat to be gold plated like everything else in your fantasy world?

So all I have to say is get off your high horse! Seriously who are you? Are you the queen of Britain? Are you the super model of my dreams giving me head every day? Are you my suga mamma paying my rent and car payment? Ha! Didn’t think so. If you’re a woman reading this and still thinking we need to put the seat down, then let me ask you this: Would you be willing to put the seat UP for us after finishing your business? If you are, then perhaps we can begin negotiations.

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